Patience

I know it's a strange title for my first blog of the year. But I figure it's appropriate since, you(if there is anyone left who checks my blog anymore) have had incredible patience waiting to see anything new here. And it seems that this is what I must have more of in my life right now. I think I am supposed to be learning how. It is something I have been needing to learn most of my life. Funny how you think you have something down pat, and suddenly you realize that life intends to teach you more. My lesson in patience is never ending, I must not be learning too quickly. Now the reasons for my need to have more of the "p" word.

1. I have two beautiful daughters who test my patience almost daily. They can take impressive amounts of time to accomplish the most simple of tasks. We have gone through many methods of incentives, punishment, etc to try and help them speed up. Nothing seems to work long term. It's like they were programed specifically to drive me up the wall sometimes.

2. Right now I am blessed/cursed to have a job. At the beginning of my latest earning potential I had grand goals of paying off debt, buying windows for the house, a new computer, and perhaps a big fat savings account for the day when we will have to purchase a new car. I figured it would only take.....well we won't say how long I thought it would take, only that it's taking ALOT longer.

3. At this moment I have also ran out of patience completely with my body. It seems that no matter how much I work, it has decided to hold onto fat cells that I know I have blasted in countless workouts.

4. If this is not all enough to get me to let go and just take things as they come, I have an internal clock, more like time bomb, that is ticking. I have been able to ignore this ticking in the past, in fact, it really hasn't bothered me for much of the 7 1/2 years since I had my children. I was very effective at ignoring it for at least 5 years. Then it grew in volume, not much just some background noise now and then. Fast forward to, let's see, NOW and it's like a constant undertone in my brain. I don't know why, I am happy with what I have in the child department. Sure when I hold a baby, I get the warm gushy feeling of wanting another one. But why the constant barrage of, "Why hasn't it happened yet?" "Will it ever happen?" "Why aren't you just content with what you have?" "Should I be doing something more about it?" "Am I okay if it doesn't happen?" "Should I be okay about that?" It's a mean loop of questions that have no answer, at least no right now. So I am waiting, and have been for quite some time for some answers. All I hear is silence, nothing, just empty space. This is the test for which I am not ready, I have not been cramming all these years for it. Oh that we could save up our patience to use in such a time.