You know, one of those when realization hits harder than normal and you wonder, "How did I get here?" I was just hustling around getting a few things done. Loading breakfast dishes into the washer, taking trash out. The girls bathroom mirror was all gross with hand prints, I had meant to clean it yesterday but somehow I got distracted, imagine that, and didn't do it. So I was in there cleaning and Juliana came to see what I was doing. I said, "I wonder who got this mirror all dirty?"
"Not me." was the reply.
"Oh really! You didn't put your hands all over it and make it messy?"
"No"
"I think you did. Mommy didn't do it."
At this moment I happened to glance in the mirror I was cleaning. All at once several things hit me. The first being you still look like you're 21. Then, you have two kids that are 4 1/2 and YOU are the mom. Running through these thoughts was that I had just sounded exactly like my mom, and I could totaly picture myself as Juliana and my mom as me. Wierd, scary, and maybe a little overwhelming. Just this morning I was thinking back to Christmases past, and remembering how my mom had it all together. She worked full time, and still the house was decked out, neighbors got some amazing delecacy from her kitchen each year, and prensents appreared magically under the tree. I was trying to figure out where I was going wrong, because I am home all day, and I am still not on top of everything. Now I realize that my vision of these events are slightly skewed at best. I know that my mom was probably stressed and overwhelmed just like I am. I am just wondering how she kept it under her hat, because mine all seems to leak out. In fact, I think that at this moment just around the corner my children are dismanteling the beautiful tree. I hear things dropping and I just don't have the courage to look and see what is going on. Maybe that is what I lack courage. So enough of my musings back to my hectick Holiday schedule and trying to keep up. May yours be wonderful and slow!
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6 comments:
Megan, I could relate to this post. Since Celeste was born about a month ago, I've had several realization "moments". I still can't really believe I'm the mom now. I haven't really got things together. I feel like we just barely carved pumpkins together as a family... I'm really not sure where November went or where some of the days go in general. I had no idea how overwhelming one little baby would be. I'm enjoying her and trying to realize that even though I don't have it all sorted out, everything will be just fine.
And the truth is, your kids do not realize how not together you might think things are. I promise.
I totally know how you feel. Christmas or not, our house was immaculate before we were allowed to eat dinner every night. It was my mom's rule and I am doing good to not trip over toys, even AFTER Morgan is in bed!
Is is safe to say that I'm relieved to be reminded that other moms feel the same way as I do? Not that I'm glad you find yourself stressed out sometimes, but I'm glad to realize that feeling like you don't have it all together is a normal part of every mom's life--and every non-mom's life for that matter.
I can so relate to what you wrote--it is amazing how much we turn into our parents and yet feel the same as when we were younger ourselves!
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